maybe, next time.

Looking back at what have come to pass, I can't help wondering why a lot of people believe that things happen for a reason. Maybe, at some point, they are right. But these reasons aren't always to our advantage. Take for example, my first job. In a way, it's giving me a sense of security that I have one, but it also gives me reason to doubt what I can and cannot do. I have to go through every day mending things for my patients while I cannot mend things for myself. I have always given them the necessary medicines that they need while I can barely even support the weight that I carry deep down. I say life is unfair. That it teaches you something, but gets something from you in return. Everytime.

I have been pretty stupid with the decisions I made the past year, and the year before that. Hell, even early this year I have been made to believe into something that in the long run, I realized, never existed in the first place. So, enough already for things happening for a certain reason. Because they don't. The reasons exist because we push them to exist to compensate for the loss, or the defeat. We made these reasons up ourselves because they stand as pillars to the crumbling identities that we are. Reasons-- the very things that help us get through, yet they are also the very things that pull us down even more.

The more I think about getting back with someone, the more it evades me. And thinking about it today never gave me the sense of security that I have always felt. Maybe, it is life's way of saying that I have to believe in reasons. Reasons that I do not make myself, but what life gives. Something that exists, and gets you through. Something that can stand as a pillar rather than crumble down with you whenever you do.

On second thought, I'd like to believe what many of us do. That things happen for a reason. I'd like to think that I believe that. But I don't. Maybe when she and I gets back together, then maybe, at that time, I'd be happy to re write this post again. And prove myself wrong.