Here is a letter I wrote on what was supposed to be our anniversary. A confession of lost love, of finding oneself, and being whole despite the odds. The words written here still hold true up until this very moment.
yesterday was the day i had always been waiting for. ironically though, i wanted it to end so fast. just as fast as how you left.
isn't it funny how life can trick you to bringing you what you've always dreamed of and when its about time for you to get it, fate gets it back even before you smell its existence. it had always been within my system to keep special dates just as special as they were once made. nostalgia is a one way ticket, i just realized, to loneliness and eventually to desperation. i have never been this desperate. i have never been so much in love.
you see, until now, i haven't had the chance to look back and reminisce about days gone by. there's not enough reason to do so right now. the past is just as blurry as the present, and the future's all hazy with the dreams i have so long planned only to find Fate beaming with great pride that once again he defeated the last desperate mortal.
i am tryin to get by, you know that. what option is there left rather than letting go and starting anew. it hurts like hell, yes. but holding on burns me to death, and we both know it's a slow process, like smoking (haha. the thing you so hated which is now my life). you see, i have never dreamt anything for myself other than being a photographer (haha, i am a dreamer, we both know that. we've always known that). all other dreams and plans were for the both of us, about you going to my parents' high school reunion party this december, or us going to el nido a week or so after my graduation, or me going back to cebu to stay with you for a couple of days and nights and have a few casual beers with our friends, or simply you be the everyday subject of my own personal dream (taking perfect shots when you're not looking-- how much pride it could have given me!). all these dreams are but plans of days long gone by, where they remain; where turning them to realities could only be done by the Fairy Godmother herself. and i haven't seen her flying around my room lately, sprinkling dusts of whatever that make wishes come true.
i am in so much pain, but yesterday was way too painful than all other days. yesterday would have been a happy day, me sending flowers, you receiving them in the middle of your math or english class, and then everybody would look at you and think how much i am in love with you. and when you'd get home, you'd see a package of what should have contained another ring, or a necklace. these plans led to me wanting to send you flowers through a friend, yet you refused. all these beautiful plans led to nothing. you and me, crying on our own now.
it hurts. yes, it hurts more now. now that i know you're almost at the point of getting over us, totally.
i know i haven't said this, and i can't anymore say this to you. but please allow me. belated happy anniversary, still.
with all my love,